Men and the Marketplace

When I go to the meat market there’s only one thing I’m looking for…actual meat. Perhaps a nice cut of steak, inappropriate veal and on rare occasion pork chops. If I wanted a man I would go to the bar or gym like any normal person. But more so than these two popular hook-up hotspots, the meat market has become the supermarket.

The Marina Safeway has been on to something for years and now I think the rest of the world is catching on. Perhaps it was a comment made between two guy friends or a random blog post on how to get women- but now at the grocery store can you not only pick up a gallon of milk but your next lay as well.

A friend of mine oriented me to the intricacies of finding the love of your life or a quickie in aisle 5. It may be a new art form, but it requires just as much “A” game and tactic as the bar scene.

First of all there is a ranking system when it comes to grocery stores depending on the quality of women and effort exerted. At the bottom would be stores such as Wal-Mart, while one step higher would be regional chains like Albertson’s. Apparently, the hot ones shop at Safeway. And only those with exceptional skills should venture into a Whole Foods (this would also be for those with Vegan and gluten free fetishes).

According to my friend it begins with filling your cart with wholesome foods. Nothing frozen or highly processed- things that require preparation. This tells women that you put effort into your food and thus, life. Dress nicely without showing effort.

Casually bump into a potential conquest while reaching for a perfectly ripe Asian pear. Subtle eye contact and courteous smile should be given two aisles later. The next aisle a witty comment should be made such as, “We need to stop meeting like this” or “Are you stalking me?” A few aisles later another comment like “I guess I’ll see you in canned goods.” The next meeting should initiate a more in-depth conversation where a well rehearsed story can be used. A popular one involves talking about the food you’re buying so you can make dinner for your nephews who come over to play with their favorite uncle. You just adore children.

Important: Do not pick up girls in the frozen food aisle. A girl resembles the food she eats. You don’t want something cold hearted who is done after four minutes (rotating in between). Also avoid the liquor aisle. You don't want to pick up the pieces from the last botched grocery trip. Drunk and crying isn't your style.