Bathroom Mafia

After an almost three year hiatus from subbing, I have returned. It is a bit awkward since I vowed never to return while scratching "he doesn't really love you" on the inside of the girls' bathroom stalls at the middle school.

At any rate, several "career" moves have led me back behind a desk. And it didn't take me long to remember all the little tricks these darling pubescent kids pull.

They think I'm clinically retarded. They honestly believe that I jumped from 1st grade to college, landed this great subbing gig and thus am completely in the dark when it comes to substitute shenanigans.

Misconceptions students have:

1. I think "Emo" is just a bad side-swept bang coupled with tight girl pants.

2. I've never seen a seating chart.

3. I buy the excuse that they have such underdeveloped bladders that severe internal damage will be done if they can't go to the bathroom THIS VERY MINUTE!

Yet due to my astute substituting skills, developed over my tenure, I am able to identify the crap. What's the latest observation you may ask...

I'm pretty sure this school has a highly organized Bathroom Mafia.

The bathroom run is one of the oldest tricks to be pulled on a substitute. Since the sub is not familiar with daily routines and does not want to be held responsile for any medical malfunctions- bathroom passes are easily obtained.

What I have seen with my OWN eyes:

1. After a series of quick glances and baseball type signals, one of the member will arise and ask to go to the bathroom. I allow.

2. After a series of repetitious sounds made by clicking mechanical pencils and sneezing, much like Morse code, another member arises and asks to go to the bathroom. I allow.

3. After an unexplainable series of rings and hang-ups on the classroom phone and an ominous message that appeared on the screen of the computer, another student arises for the bathroom. Fearing for my life- I allow.

This occurs during every class period. I have yet to figure out what exactly happens when they leave the classroom. I think it has something to do with scheduled meetings where members discuss their drug trafficking, prostitution ring or scam to get extra fries at lunch. Whatever it is... it's hardcore.