This is a Croc of ...

I went to visit my sister in Denver to see her super cute grown-up apartment. As I was getting the grand tour, I opened her closet door and was immediately horrified. Lying on the ground was a pair of dark brown Crocs.

I have been on a personal mission since the Croc inception that I would never own a pair of Crocs! I don't care how comfortable they are or how convenient they are for gardening or running to the store. I refuse to condone anything that is so heinously against footwear aesthetics.

I was quite saddened to see that my own sister had fallen to the Croc craze. And what is more annoying is my inability to destroy them. They are immune to water, fire, dogs. I could kill an entire family and dispose of the bodies with greater ease than it would take to "off" a pair of Crocs.

I sat alone in her bedroom staring into the closet. I felt defeated, like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone and I was the only one with good taste.

I avoided the closet the rest of the afternoon.

The next morning we were cleaning her apartment and I needed to make a quick run downstairs to throw away the trash. I only brought a pair of knee-high boots and I didn't want to put forth the effort to put them on. Fine, I'll just slip on the Crocs, quickly run down stairs and never see them again. They would be my mistress, my one run stand.

Can I ask you something? Do you believe in love at first sight?

I don't. But I do believe in a relationship based on fundamental understanding that grows into love. I believe in something deeper than looks. I believe in deep emotional connections; in substance, loyalty and dependability. I believe in Crocs. 

My feet feel like they're being hugged every time I slip them on. I imagine it is the same feeling as being blanketed by a cloud, wrapped in love and sprinkled with sunshine dust. I didn't fear abandonment anymore and oddly was cured of my fear of flying, heights and being naked in public.

To all of you who hate Crocs: you are reflecting your own inadequacies and self-esteem issues that have been brewing since childhood. Maybe when you become less superficial about outer appearances you will finally find love!

Men and the Marketplace

When I go to the meat market there’s only one thing I’m looking for…actual meat. Perhaps a nice cut of steak, inappropriate veal and on rare occasion pork chops. If I wanted a man I would go to the bar or gym like any normal person. But more so than these two popular hook-up hotspots, the meat market has become the supermarket.

The Marina Safeway has been on to something for years and now I think the rest of the world is catching on. Perhaps it was a comment made between two guy friends or a random blog post on how to get women- but now at the grocery store can you not only pick up a gallon of milk but your next lay as well.

A friend of mine oriented me to the intricacies of finding the love of your life or a quickie in aisle 5. It may be a new art form, but it requires just as much “A” game and tactic as the bar scene.

First of all there is a ranking system when it comes to grocery stores depending on the quality of women and effort exerted. At the bottom would be stores such as Wal-Mart, while one step higher would be regional chains like Albertson’s. Apparently, the hot ones shop at Safeway. And only those with exceptional skills should venture into a Whole Foods (this would also be for those with Vegan and gluten free fetishes).

According to my friend it begins with filling your cart with wholesome foods. Nothing frozen or highly processed- things that require preparation. This tells women that you put effort into your food and thus, life. Dress nicely without showing effort.

Casually bump into a potential conquest while reaching for a perfectly ripe Asian pear. Subtle eye contact and courteous smile should be given two aisles later. The next aisle a witty comment should be made such as, “We need to stop meeting like this” or “Are you stalking me?” A few aisles later another comment like “I guess I’ll see you in canned goods.” The next meeting should initiate a more in-depth conversation where a well rehearsed story can be used. A popular one involves talking about the food you’re buying so you can make dinner for your nephews who come over to play with their favorite uncle. You just adore children.

Important: Do not pick up girls in the frozen food aisle. A girl resembles the food she eats. You don’t want something cold hearted who is done after four minutes (rotating in between). Also avoid the liquor aisle. You don't want to pick up the pieces from the last botched grocery trip. Drunk and crying isn't your style.